In one split second
In One Split Second.
“There are far too many silent sufferers. Not because they don't yearn to reach out, but because they've tried and found no one who cares.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich, Smile Anyway: Quotes, Verse, & Grumblings for Every Day of the Year
I hurt all over today, I feel like I have been hit by a truck. One big truck came and swiped me off my ass in one split second. I am startled and in awe of this force of nature daily, and it puts me on edge. It makes me afraid to hold onto anything, afraid to want too much.
I cleaned the deck yesterday for two hours in the hot scalding sun. Sweep, sweep, sweep, and hose off. Sweep, sweep, sweep, and hose off. Over and over again until the deck where I enjoy my mornings finally felt clean. It feels good to have the dirt gone and it makes me feel better about life in general to not live in filth. I spent 20 minutes in the clean last night and felt good. That can all change in a seconds.
The winds picked up last night. It blew and blew, and it blew dirt all over my clean deck... The winds changed, my nice clean place is not clean any longer. I will clean it again, the winds will take it away, and I will sweep and hose off over and over again. I will do this chore for the small hope that I can enjoy my area and feel good. I can see families having their worlds torn apart by tornados that destroy all they have worked for their entire lives. It is all gone in an instant.
What life lesson are we supposed to learn from this?
What lesson are we supposed to hold onto if any moment it can and sometimes is swiped right out of our hands?
My sons were coming back to me. We were working on things, and I saw their wounds start to scab over. It was there one minute and gone the next. One minute we took one step forward, the next four steps back. This happened right before my eyes, and an avalanche came and swiped us backwards. We couldn’t get out of the way for it came out of nowhere.
It smashed us all flat on our asses once again. We need to dig ourselves out, and I don’t know if my sons are willing to put in the work. It may be too hard on them, I can’t make them hurt anymore, I just cannot do it. I will dig them out and I will dig myself out, but how to you make someone breathe when they don’t care that they are?
This avalanche was intentional, just as the other events that have spun me for a loop this last year. I am past the point of caring how I am doing, I am past caring what I lost, but I am never going to be past the hurt of missing my sons. I am angry today. I am truly angry today. He did this to me on purpose again. The avalanche has hit, the avalanche that buries my sons and I .
I
